Balls of Fire
by somemadao
Summary: Yoruzuya Gin-chan discuss fanfiction. In the new chapter, there is the hint of a storyline.
1. Chapter 1

Balls of Fire

A fanfic by some madao

Gintama is the creation and property of Hideaki Sorachi

* * *

It is posited there exists in the universe the manzai horizon. It is a boundary, apparently, that separates the tsukkomi from the boke, but this is really all theoretical. Think not too deeply upon whether this boundary is in existence, for in your contemplation, you place yourself at risk to the danger of a harisen smacking the top of your head.

"Oi, what is this narration?" asked Gintoki Sakata, slightly annoyed, and quite lazily.

"Eh? What narration are you talking about?" asked Shinpachi Shimura, to his boss, Gin.

"The words at the beginning of this fanfiction?" said Gintoki, pointing up.

"Uh, what are you pointing at, exactly?" asked Shinpachi. He then whispered to Gintoki, "You do realize this is written, rather than drawn, so the reader can't actually see you point?"

"Stuff that. If the writer has any talent, then the reader can see me pointing," replied Gintoki. "It's all about description. For instance, right now, the reader can see me picking my nose, and flicking my booger at your face, Shinpachi."

Shinpachi took out his handkerchief, and wiped his face clean of nose nugget, and then placed his handkerchief back into his pocket. He then proceeded to lunge at Gintoki, his hands apart just the width of a man's neck. However, his hands could not reach Gintoki's neck, as the older man had countered Shinpachi's attack by grabbing the boy, and holding him in a headlock.

"The reader can see so much if the writer has any talent at description. If not, then the reader has to be told what the hell is happening." Gintoki released Shinpachi from his hold, after the boy stopped struggling. He then asked, "Anyway, tell me what the hell is up with that damn opening!"

"Uh, it's... um. I don't know, but I'm sure the author has some reason for having written it."

"My guess is, he wrote it cause he couldn't think of a decent opening for a decent story. It was something he pulled from his ass, cause he thought it sounded respectable."

"And you could do better?" asked Shinpachi.

"Easily." Gintoki pointed to the reader, and said, "Let's begin, again!"

* * *

Call me Gintoki. Some years ago – never mind how long precisely -

* * *

"Oi!" Shinpachi shouted. "That's plagiarism!"

"It isn't plagiarism, Pachi! It's the epic tale of how Captain Turtle and I hunted a space sperm whale..."

"That's totally plagiarism! There's not even an original idea in that description!"

"Maybe you're too academic for fanfiction, Pachi. Perhaps I should bring in an expert. Oi! Kagura. It's time for your entrance into the fanfiction."

"Enough. We can never rebuild the fourth wall."

"Ossu! Kagura entered-aru, but from where, and how so, is not known. She could've been standing nearby, or more than likely sitting on the couch watching TV, but it is more exciting to think that she came from a different dimension."

"You don't have to write your own entrance, Kagura-chan. That's the author's job..."

"No! I can't leave it up to him! He's just some madao! Probably he'll put us all in embarrassing situations that we'd really never ever do-aru! Said Kagura-chan as she did an amazing pose, with a serious expression on her face."

"You're just sitting on the couch, watching TV, Kagura. Don't try to deceive the reader," said Shinpachi. "Besides, what sort of situations would the author place us in that you'd object to? Considering that so many of us have been shown on the toilet, throwing up, naked, beaten, arrested, transformed, and humiliated, I can't think of anything you could be worried about."

"I'd hate to be written as a sl*t, falling in love with any old sadist that comes along. Said Kagura, as she chews on sukonbu, her eyes glazed over from that condition called TV eyes-aru."

"You've gone from trying to deceive the reader to being too honest, probably," said Shinpachi. "Anyway, you don't have to worry, the author of this fanfic is a guy, so I don't think you have to worry about pairings."

"He could try to write us into a crossover, though. Said Kagura-sama. Wouldn't you hate to be a pony? Or a G*nd*m?"

"We've already been crossed over with G*nd*m."

"Wouldn't you hate to be crossed over with The L*rd of the Fl**s? Asked Kagura, annoyed, as she she couldn't find a decent show to watch, flipping through the channels, one after another-aru. I bet you'd make a great P*gg**, Pachie!"

"No, Kagura-chan, Shinpachi would already have a role in the crossover. He'd be P*gg**s glasses," said Gintoki, who sat beside Kagura, and snatched away the remote.

"No way! P*gg**s glasses are important in the story! Shinpachi doesn't get any important roles in the crossover. He can be a Þ, instead!"

"Why the hell would I wanna be an obsolete letter? I'd never appear in the story that way! And why are we talking about some crossover that isn't even being written?"

"Þ might be too important, too Kagura-chan. Use the small case þ instead, cause it'd have even less impact."

"Oi, you two are trying to write me out of a fanfiction that doesn't even exist. It's pissing me off."

"Give me an example-aru. Said Kagura to the wavy haired, and brain waves, man."

"For example, let's begin the story. 'Þe story of þe man who saved þe world."

"I can't even tell the difference, anyway. Said Kagura. Why's the smaller case þ bigger than the upper case Þ?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's what they call 'over-compensation'?" asked Gintoki. "And look, it's time for the weather report. Time to end this fanfic."

"Don't try to end this fanfic for your own convenience, Gin-san," said Shinpachi, sternly.

The End

"Oi! Even the author wants to end the story?" shouted Shinpachi, annoyed.

"It's probably not a case of wanting to end it, it's just that he probably can't think of what to write next." Gintoki yawned, and then kicked Kagura off his couch so he could lie down to watch TV.

"The original notes said this was supposed to be an epic-aru. But then Gin-chan derailed it with his question up above. Said Kagura, as she pointed to the second paragraph of the fanfiction."

"I already said to stop pointing in this fanfic. Is the reader really able to see you pointing to specific sections of text?"

"The reader can see so much, it's embarrassing. I bet the reader can even see images in their mind when I say, 'Shinpachi's room is littered with rolled up used tissues from late night personal sessions. For what are the tissues?'"

"Now you're just pissing me off! Quit suggesting lewdness to the reader. The author was trying to keep the fic at General readership level, but now, we might have to become Teen, or even Mature!"

"The author can just improvise," said Gintoki.

"How so? What's written, and has been published is forever. Especially on the internet."

"The author can improvise, like this!"

The end

"Oi! Huh? Really? That's seriously it?"

"Give it a rest, Pachi. You won't become a man this fic. You'll have to make do with naughty magazines and your hand for now," said Gintoki.

"Shut it! And author, seriously! End this fic, now!"

The end


	2. Chapter 2

Balls of Fire

A fanfic by some madao

Gintama is the creation and property of Hideaki Sorachi

* * *

Lo, the madao, as it seeks not sustenance, nor subsistence, but instead pursues a greater calling, which is to be found in deep search through both waste and malapropos.

"Oi, are we doing this, again?" said Gintoki, pointedly trying to ignore the opening passage.

"Gin, the author was cheered up by some nice reviews, and decided to try writing the fanfic, again, so please don't say too much, or you might discourage him, again," said Shinpachi.

"What fanfic?" asked Gintoki. "What the hell kind of opening is the author is trying to create? What's with all the wasted wordage? Lo? Who the hells says 'lo'? Seriously, why did he bother using all those seemingly complicated words, when all he's describing is dumpster diving?"

"Gin."

"Maybe he found his fic openings in those garbage bins, and thought how it'd be such a waste to let them go to the landfill?"

"Gin. Maybe you should stop... Last time, the author wept onto his keyboard cause of us, and ruined the → key," said Shinpachi. "I really don't want to witness a grown man weep, again. It's just too... pathetic." Not waiting for Gin to respond, Shin turned to Kagura, who was sitting at the Yoruzuya Gin-chan office coffee table, looking over a number of notes. "Kagura-chan, what do you have there?"

"I have those reviews you were talking about-aru," said Kagura. "I guess the premise of this fic is thank our nice reviewers for their kind words, or something."

"Kagura-chan, you didn't have to add, 'or something'. We're just going to thank our reviewers, and that'll be that, okay?"

Kagura picked up a review, and read it aloud, "I love this. And you." She then sagely said, "He'll totally get the wrong idea from that review-aru. Probably, he'll think she propositioned him, and he'll start being a stalker from now on."

Gin took the review from Kagura, and shook his head, "No, he'll get the wrong idea, but because he's a madao, he'll think the reviewer is actually one of those fake brides from an amanto marriage site, and be suspicious."

"You guys, try not to be rude. It'd be a disaster if we ended up upsetting our readers." Shinpachi hurriedly started gathering up the reviews, hoping to put them away, before his partners read aloud another one.

However, Shinpachi was too slow. Kagura already had a review in her hands, and read it out for all to hear, "HAHA! Lol. Poor Shinpachi. I can imagine the paper tissues in his room though! Great fanfic btw!"

"There's no tissues!" screamed Shinpachi, angrily tearing the review from Kagura's hands. He put it with the others, filing them away in a cabinet, shutting it closed. "You two, are you trying to upset our readers? What would happen if we did that, and ended up getting hounded to the far reaches of the internet cause we made the wrong people angry?"

"So, are we done, yet?" asked Gin. "I'm fairly busy right now, so I'd like it if we could wrap all this up..." He lied down on his couch, as though ready to sleep.

"We're supposed to begin the actual storyline this chapter," said Shinpachi. "We're only 500 or so words into the story, Gin-san."

"Che! Why don't we get to it already, then?"

"Cause of you, Gin-san. You're the main character, and you're here, instead of in your spot," replied Shinpachi.

"I don't really want to work, now," said Gin. "Tell the author I'm sick or something."

"Um, Gin. Technically, the author is omniscient, so he'll know if you're really sick or not."

"But he's also a madao, so he'll accept any excuse. Just tell him anything, okay?" Gin rolled over, his back facing Shinpachi, as though that was the end of the conversation.

Kagura stood up, faced the sky, and shouted, "Hey, writer! Gin-chan can't work today! His anal fissure is acting up-aru! He worked too hard on the toilet this morning, so he's all pooped out!"

Gin was off the couch in an instant, slapping the top of Kagura's head. "Oi! What the hell kind of excuse was that!?"

"It's just that the only place you work hard is on the throne-aru," said Kagura. "This excuse will be the most believable."

"Author, don't listen to her! She was just saying that, cause of youthful exuberance! I'm getting to my position, right now, okay?" Gin's voice was a bit desperate. "Everything's okay, in the end, alright?"

"Gin-san, we just wasted 200 words talking about your rear end. The author wanted to devote half of this chapter toward thanking the readers, and then move into an actual storyline." Shinpachi sighed. "The author's probably in a panic, right now, since we ended up instead messing up our thanks for the kind reviews, and then spent the rest of the chapter apologizing for the first half. At the rate we're going, the author will have to spend the next chapter just apologizing for the first two chapters."

"I can imagine-aru," said Kagura. "Every sentence will be, 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry."

"But, if I'm in position, and ready to go, everything will be fine, right?" asked Gintoki. "No chapter focused on my rear end?"

"You're really sensitive about any story regarding your ass?" asked Shinpachi.

"Of course! This if F*nfiction dot net ! How many stories are there about me going together with some mayo-chain-smoking moron? Having an anal fissure will just add to all that!"

"I don't even want to imagine how that's even possible," said Shinpachi. "In fact, you're the one who brought it up. I don't even think anyone was thinking about that until you said it."

Gintoki appeared to be in shock, as though he realized the full extent of what Shinpachi said to be true. However, he said, after a moment's thought, "Shin-kun, I don't think you realize how rabid a great many of these writers on this site are! They'll take anything, and twist it to suit their dark twisted fantasies."

"Even if you really don't have an injury to your bottom?" asked Shinpachi.

"Shin-kun, you don't realize the full extent to which these people will go! My, and a wrecked bottom? They'll add... big swords, and no V*seline." Gin shuddered.

"But, it'll all be consensual in their stories, right?"

Gin shook Shinpachi. "That's not the main issue, here!"

Shinpachi shrugged off Gin's hands from his shoulders. "Gin-san, I think it's a bit silly how childish you're acting. I know about these stories, and about ones with me and you, too. And about others with others. I know about them, but... I've accepted it all, cause it's all consensual. There's thousands of types of love for thousands of people. Who are we to interfere?"

Gintoki collapsed to the floor.

"Now, get ready for the next chapter, Gin-san. Me and Kagura-chan have our own positions to get to before everything starts." Shinpachi and Kagura walked out of the office.

Gintoki sat on his knees for a few minutes, and then stood. He looked up to the office ceiling, sighed, and then walked to his desk chair, sitting down. He swivelled to so he could look out of his office window, and then said, "Guess it's time to start."

The end


End file.
